May 9, 2017 Dec 3, 2025 2017-05-09

The most dangerous opponent you’ll ever face isn’t out there in the world. It’s the voice inside your head that whispers “you can’t do this” right when you think you got everything figured out. The uncontrollable negativity spiral that turns a simple setback into proof that nothing works.

I’ve been coding for 35+ years and running businesses for almost as long. I’ve lived in a half a dozen countries as a digital nomad. I’ve run ultramarathons and started learning guitar at 50. And through all of it, the most difficult battles weren’t against external context—they were against my own mental patterns.

Here’s what I’ve learned: you can’t defeat this enemy by fighting it head-on. You need a different approach.

The Three-Realm Solution

Most people try to dissolve negative thoughts by arguing with them, suppressing them, or drowning them out with positive affirmations. These strategies rarely work long term because they address the symptoms, not the cause. They give a temporary relief, while still keeping you stuck in a single mental space—the space where the negativity rules.

Over the years, I started to use my own framework for this. It basically says that we’re spending our life in one of this three realms: Assess, Decide, and Do. Each realm has its own specifics, and your life quality is a function of the flow between those realms.

Assess: Capture Without Judgment

When negative thoughts arise, your first instinct is probably to fight them, run away for them, or, if you’ve been stuck in this pattern for a long time, believe them. Don’t do any of these. Just treat them like data points that need to be examined later.

In the Assess realm, you simply capture what’s happening: “I’m having the thought that I’m going to fail at this” or “I’m noticing anxiety about tomorrow’s presentation.” You’re not accepting these thoughts as truth, but you’re not battling them either. You’re just acknowledging they exist.

This is like taking a screenshot of your mental state without trying to photoshop it immediately. The immediate benefit is in the distance you’re creating. You’re not the thought—you’re the observer of the thought.

Decide: Context and Commitment

Once you’ve captured the negative thought, you move to the Decide realm. This is where you add context and determine what deserves your actual attention.

Ask yourself: Is this thought based on evidence or fear? Does it help me move forward or keep me stuck? If I were advising a friend who had this thought, what would I say?

This is where you assign context to your captured thoughts. Like a meta-description label. Some might get the context of “anxiety pattern I recognize.” Others might be “valid concern that needs immediate attention.” The key is you’re making conscious decisions about which thoughts get your focus, rather than letting your mental autopilot run the show.

You’re also deciding what you’re committing to do about it. Sometimes the decision is “just deal with the fact that this fear exists, then do the thing anyway.” Sometimes it’s “this concern is valid; I need to prepare better.”

Do: Execute Despite the Noise

The Do realm is where you take action, often while those negative thoughts are still chattering away in the background. The difference is that now they’re not in control—you are. You’re acting, not reacting.

You’ve already assessed them without judgment. You’ve already decided what matters and what doesn’t. Now you execute based on your conscious decisions, not your automatic reactions.

The enemy between your ears doesn’t disappear in the Do realm. But it loses its grip, it loses its power over you. You learn that you can feel the fear and do it anyway. You can notice the negative commentary and still show up.

How This Actually Works

This three-realm approach works because it mirrors how our brains actually function. We need a space for processing (Assess), a space for prioritizing (Decide), and a space for executing (Do). When we try to do all three simultaneously, we get overwhelmed and the negative thoughts win.

By separating these functions, you create psychological breathing room. The negative thoughts don’t feel as crushing when you know you’re just in the Assess phase—you don’t have to do anything about them yet. They become less paralyzing in the Decide phase because you’re examining them consciously rather than being swept away by them. And they lose their grip in the Do phase because you’ve already decided they don’t get to control your actions.

The Practice

Start small. The next time you catch yourself in a negative whirlwind, try to pause. Which realm are you in? If you’re trying to decide something while also beating yourself up about past failures while also trying to take action—no wonder you’re stuck.

Step back into Assess. Just capture what you’re experiencing without judgment. Then move to Decide when you’re ready. Add context. Make commitments based on values, not fears. Then move to Do and execute.

The bad news is that the enemy between your ears doesn’t get weaker. The good news is that you just get better at not letting it ruin your life.

And that’s a battle worth fighting for.